The Still Life

I had started to feel better but possibly drinking, sleep-deprivation and doing something we shouldn't have at the weekend brought everything crashing back down on.

I was an inconsolable mess most of Sunday and Monday nights. The end of the world had definately come. Or so it felt like it had to me.

Trying to accept the relationship is over is much harder than I would have thought. Living together, sharing a bed, watching TV together, heading to work togethe in the mornings....it's hard to find where things have changed.

Perhaps I should have kicked him out, or made him sleep on the inflatable bed but that's just rather harsh in London in November. People in this town don't tend to have spare rooms, and I certaintly can't afford to stay here on my own. So we are stuck. The still life.

Saturday morning he announced he booked himself a holiday to the Canaries. My heart just sunk. I know it is for the best and I am withering away without the space I need to recover but at the same time it cut. It was like he couldn't get away from me fast enough. He had to leave the country. Realistically, I know it isn't about that. We both need space right now, but the thought of having a taster of what life will be like is frightening.

Each day seems to go by in slow motion.It's a cruel trick of the mind. What I want most of all is to fast forward 6 months to the warmth of spring and a happy heart. Instead each day drags. I spend the working day trying not to strangle my incompetent boss and then come back to my facade of what was my relationship. When I am with my frinds I think I bring the party down. It's hard to enjoy things at the moment.

I have started to look for a new job but so far I have only been offered long-term temp work and that is not the security I am looking for right now.

In the meantime I take it one moment at a time and absorb myself with TV, books and music. There is always music.